Myth: Domestic violence occurs only in straight relationships.
Fact: Domestic violence occurs in LGBTQ+ relationships at a higher rate than the general population.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Williams Institute, about 44% of lesbians and 61% of bisexual women have experienced physical violence from an intimate partner. So have 26% of gay men and 37% of bisexual men. That compares to 35% of straight women and 29% of straight men.
In the transgender community, studies show somewhere between 31% and 50% have been victims of domestic violence.
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) reports there are more cases of domestic violence among men living with male partners than among men living with female partners.
The NIH also says LGBTQ+ victims are less likely to report domestic violence. One reason may be a lack of responsiveness by local organizations that provide services to victims. The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs found that when seeking help, 44% of LGBTQ survivors of intimate partner violence were denied services.
Sidney Yerger serves as outreach and education engagement manager at Dallas Hope Charities, which operates a shelter for young adults. Some of those young adults are victims of domestic violence.
Yerger also runs a safe place workshop that teaches how to properly support survivors of intimate partner violence.
“Most people think of verbal and physical abuse,” Yerger said. But domestic intimate partner violence also includes financial abuse, including various ways of making it financially difficult for a partner to leave a relationship.
“Financial dependency happens, especially if children are involved,” she said. “A power dynamic is at play.”
Bruises are a visible sign that abuse is taking place, Yerger said, but verbal abuse is common in abusive LGBTQ+ relationships.
“Using slurs in a degrading manner, using personal experiences against them, shaming or degrading their partner” are all types of verbal abuse, she explained.
Threats to out someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity to family or an employer are unique to the LGBTQ+ community. But for some, psychological violence is used as a devastating means of control.
Candy Marcum, a family counselor who specializes in working with the LGBTQ+ community, thinks the media and health community all try to do a good job informing and educating the community on domestic violence.
But she said, “I think [the word violence] is a misnomer,” explaining that no one wants to think they’re a perpetrator or victim, so we use the word “violence” instead of “control.”
Marcum said victims will say, “‘She never hit me,’ [but] it’s not that. It’s about getting control of another person because they allow you to do that.”
There are several reasons someone stays in that sort of relationship, Marcum said. Some grew up experiencing that controlling behavior from other family members. Others worry if they leave, they will end up with someone worse. Or they think that controlling behavior is a sign their partner really loves them.
Often, the perpetrator of the violence also grew up with that behavior, so it seems normal and appropriate to them. Marcum said they think, “I love her, so it can’t be a negative thing. I just want her to call me every hour and let me know how she’s doing.”
The goal, Marcum said, is to make the partner’s world smaller and smaller. “It’s not about love,” she added. “It’s about dependency.”
Marcum said one resource is therapy, but perpetrators of domestic violence rarely agree to therapy unless their partner is leaving. And often when they do agree to therapy, they promise they’ll do better, but they’re only being manipulative.
Many people don’t recognize domestic violence, Marcum said, “because we think of bodily damage when we think of violence,” and the victims are often strong, well-educated people with good jobs who don’t register as being victims.
“Be strategic and careful when you leave,” Marcum advised, warning that for someone in such a relationship, that time when they are planning to leave can be the most dangerous.
Call a local shelter — like Genesis Women’s Shelter in Dallas — or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, she suggested. They can help make your plan to leave.
Marcum said family and friends may notice signs of domestic control, but even therapists miss it because it doesn’t look like violence.
Jessica Brazeal, who co-owns The Haven Wellness Center with her wife, began her career at Genesis Women’s Shelter as a therapist and eventually ran the agency’s clinical services.
Brazeal said the dynamics of domestic violence in same-sex relationships and opposite-sex couples are the same, even though the physical difference may be more even. One difference is, if the victim is not out, the abuser in same-sex relationships will often threaten to out them. And “that can be a particularly scary threat,” Brazeal said, because outing someone to a non-accepting family may further isolate the victim.
She said she’s worked with survivors of abuse, and treatment includes working on a variety of skills and behaviors. First is making sure the survivor is safe, whether that’s safety to escape and begin a new chapter in their life or safety living with the abuser.
“We are not in the business of telling them what their relationships should be,” Brazeal said. “We do a lot of safety planning to make sure they can leave safely. Homicides happen the most during that period of time.”
Then, she continued, they work on how the abuse has impacted self-esteem.
Brazeal said while she hasn’t worked with abusers, “There are programs where abusers can be court-ordered to seek treatment,” but, she added, she hasn’t seen perpetrators of domestic violence seek out treatment themselves.
Continuing to raise awareness, Brazeal said, is a good first step in reducing domestic violence. Legislatively speaking, Brazeal said she would like to see stricter laws preventing people with a history of domestic violence from having access to guns.
“Protective orders are a necessary step,” Brazeal said. “It’s harder than I believe it should be to get a protective order, and they don’t always last as long as they should.”
Protective orders, she noted, are just a piece of paper and are only as good as local law officers’ ability and willingness to enforce them.
Brazeal said she encourages victims of abuse to report incidents to police when possible. She noted that from her experience, women are taken seriously when reporting abuse. So are men in same-sex relationships. But men reporting abuse from women have a more difficult time getting help from police.
With the high incidence of domestic abuse in the LGBTQ+ community, Brazeal said talking about it is a huge first step.
RESOURCES
LGBTQ+ and LGBTQ+-friendly resources for those experiencing domestic violence, as recommended by Human Rights Campaign
• The Anti-Violence Project: Serves people who are LGBTQ; Hotline 1-212-714-1141, Bilingual 24/7
• The Network La Red: Serves people who are LGBTQ, poly and kink/BDSM; Bilingual. Hotline – Voice: 1-617-742-4911; Toll-Free: 1-800-832-1901; TTY: 1-617-227-4911
• FORGE: Serves transgender and gender nonconforming survivors of domestic and sexual violence; provides referrals to local counselors, 1-414-559-2123
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) 24/7 or online counseling
• Love is Respect Hotline (for youth): Online chat; 1-866-331-9474 (24/7); TTY: 1-866-331-8453; or Text “loveis” to 22522
• LGBT National Help Center: Youth Hotline 1-800-246-PRIDE (7743); LGBT National Hotline 1-888-843-4564; Sage LGBT Elder Hotline 1-888-234-7243; or online chat at volunteerlogin.org/chat/
• Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline: 1-800-832-1901
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-4233