I’m lucky enough to live in a city with multiple gay bars. From the Pride Stairs of Woody’s to the drag shows of Missy B’s, Kansas City has a bar for every type of queer person out there.
Or, so I’ve heard.
The truth is, I’ve never been to any of them.
Admitting this can be a little awkward, because it often feels like I’m snubbing sacred queer spaces. There’s a long history of bars being at the center of the LGBTQ+ rights movement, and they’ve long served as a staple within different communities.
Here’s the thing, though. As a neurodivergent, ace gal who doesn’t really care for alcohol, bars just really aren’t my scene. They’re loud, dark, crowded—basically everything I hate in a public space—and to top it all off, everyone expects me to buy expensive drinks that I don’t actually want.
For a while, I worried that my reluctance to enter these spaces meant I wasn’t “queer enough.” Like, if I showed up, they’d realize I was an imposter and take away my gay card. I thought that I’d never make queer friends if I didn’t venture into the places where the gays roamed.
The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized how silly that really was. After all, what’s the point in meeting someone who loves bars if I hate them? What are we supposed to do together? My cousin who goes out every weekend to their local gay bar isn’t going to be hanging with the same people that my introverted, homebody self does, and that doesn’t make either of us less queer—it just makes us different.
The first time I entered a queer space that wasn’t a bar, it was to get my hair dyed purple at him. her. them. Hair Studio. From the second I walked in, I felt safe, supported, and happy. As a person who is annoyed by most public spaces—especially one like this where it’s sensory overload—this was quite a surprise. The atmosphere of the studio was so calm and so casually queer that it felt like home.
It was there that I met my favorite hair stylist and had my first super frank discussion about gay bars. She gave me advice as a fellow neurodivergent girlie about which bars were her favorites, but she also told me something that I haven’t stopped thinking about since. My stylist had just moved to the city recently, and she was trying to find fun ways to meet others in our community that didn’t involve alcohol, but all of the local options involved drinking. (Given that the LGBTQ+ community has a history of higher rates of alcohol dependency, she’s certainly not alone in feeling this way.)
My stylist and I spent a long time chatting about the dire need our community has for alcohol-free gay spaces, and how this salon was filling that gap in a much-needed way. Unfortunately, him. her. them. Hair Studio closed in 2023, leaving a rather large hole in the community (and my own heart) in the process.
After it closed, I went looking for other alcohol-free queer spaces. What I learned was that when you really start looking, there are so many cool ways to meet and hang out with our community without a drop of alcohol involved.
I pulled the list below as examples of the types of places that I found, but know that these are not in any way exhaustive. Think of them more as idea starters for searching—or starting—in your own community.
Places to Go
Though I found it easier to group these by the type of business just to give a sense of what to search for in your own area, it’s worth noting that much like our identities, many queer spaces don’t fit into a single box. For instance, Squirrel Chops in Washington acts as both a coffee shop and salon, while MOC BOD in Missouri provides space for haircuts, tattoos, massages, and shopping. If you’re wanting to find LGBTQ+-owned businesses, you can always check out Everywhere is Queer and search to see which are nearest to you.
Coffee & Tea Shops—What I love about coffee and tea shops is that they’re like the introvert version of bars. They tend to be pretty quiet, chill, and involve delicious warm beverages. While I wish there were about a thousand more of these (ideally, closer to me), there are nonetheless some awesome shops to check out. For example, Arizona’s Brick Road Coffee is an LGBTQA-owned coffee shop that advertises itself as “sober-community friendly” and leans into their tagline that “no matter the journey, some needs remain constant: acceptance, community, and of course, great coffee!” Similarly, Sis Got Tea, a Black-, queer-, woman-owned business in Kentucky prides itself on being an “LGBTQ and Black-affirming sober safe space.”
Bookstores—With the recent surge of book banning targeting LGBTQ+ authors, it’s never been more important to support your local bookstore. Luckily, you have a whole lot of places to choose from. Bookstores have always been a space of resistance and revolution, and they’re ideal for those who need a quieter space. While the average person may not want you to try to befriend them while they’re reading, pretty much all bookstores have events where you can bond with those who share your interests. Some of the ones at the top of my list to visit someday are Black-, queer-, woman-owned Loudmouth Books in Indiana; queer-, agender-owned Under the Umbrella: A Queer Little Bookstore in Utah; and queer-, neurodivergent- and woman-owned The Irreverent Bookworm in Minnesota. Little District Books in Washington D.C. is another great one and hosts Lavender Con, a book festival celebrating LGBTQIA+ authors and stories.
Community Centers and Community Spaces—Many cities have their own version of an LGBTQ+ community space, which hosts events, resources, and provides a safe space to meet others. The Lesbian, Gay, Bixexual & Transgender Community Center (also called “The Center”) in New York is one such example, while Black and queer-owned Cuties in California is another. There are even some community spaces out there specifically designed to combat the heavy focus on alcohol within queer spheres, such as the Castro Country Club: a Sober Community Center which acts as “a refuge for the queer recovery community.” If you’re wondering what community space might be closest to you, CenterLink is a great place to start, as it connects over 400 LGBTQ+ spaces around the world.
Hair Salons and Barbershops—Though I remain devastated to have lost my own favorite hair place, there are still some great ones out there. Acute Salon in Texas breaks out of traditionally gendered hair spaces, focusing on gender-free pricing to let everyone feel comfortable in their chairs. California’s Project Q fills an important community gap as a non-profit that “provides safe space for LGBTQIA+ youth by using hair and self-empowerment as a form of social justice.” Queer- and woman-owned Love Salon Pdx in Oregon is a collective of independent hair artists who work to create a safe, inclusive space with genderless pricing. (For those who are looking for transgender-friendly hair places in their own area, Strands for Trans is also a great resource. The businesses won’t all be LGBTQ+-specific spaces, but they are all places that are safe and welcoming to everyone.)
Activities to Share
While the obvious alternative to bars is other physical locations, those aren’t the only option out there. Community spaces can be found far beyond the confines of four walls—you just have to know where to look. Here are a few ideas to get you started.
Sports—Sports like roller derby and softball have long been queer-friendly spaces, and they remain popular within the community. (Skating in general, in fact, is a very popular community pastime.) Team sports provide an easy way to meet new people and form bonds, and community sports often have different options available from the ultra-competitive to the more casual. If you’re looking for an LGBTQ+ team to join, try searching the United States Gay Sports Network.
Game Nights—Games like dungeons and dragons (D&D) have brought groups together for decades. Many of my own queer friendships actually started over a game of D&D and have continued ever since. There are a ton of games out there to choose from these days, including delightful queer-focused systems like Thirsty Sword Lesbians. If role playing games aren’t your thing, joining a board game night or hosting one of your own can also be great ways to meet and bond with friends.
Online—Not everyone is physically close to a thriving queer scene, and that doesn’t make community any less important. Facebook groups, Discord servers, and other virtual spaces are just as valuable for making and strengthening connections. These spaces are often also vital for those who are not fully “out” within their community, as it gives you a space to be yourself without having to announce it to the world until you’re ready. There are groups out there for every type of LGBTQ+ person. For instance, looking to make neurodivergent queer connections? Try Feral Neurodivergent Raging Queer Posting. Hoping to find your fellow nerds? Try the Gay Geeks group. Wanting to make friends with fellow nonbinary and transgender people? Try Transpeak.